The Real History of FRed Lobster
A New Hope
The oral history of FRed Lobster, that had been handed down from generation to generation, was thought to have been lost forever. However, a recent discovery has been made of a hand written, barely legible, copy of the last five hundred year's history of FRed Lobster. Unfortunately the first 3 episodes were written in an extremely ancient language and we are having difficulty translating it. For now, we have decided to release the parts that have been translated from the strange language that the last Episodes were written in. I believe the language was called "Koon-ash" or something similar to that...
The following is the best translation of the original text that we could acquire. Be prepared for run-on sentences, misspelled words, the incorrect usages of "There","They're" and "Their", misplaced or dangling modifiers, vague pronoun references and just all around bad grammar.
All that being said, I hope you enjoy
"The Real History of FRed Lobster".
Chapters 1 - 8
THE HISTORY OF FRED LOBSTER
I’ve been asked a million times about the origin of FRed Lobster. So I’ve decided to share once and for all, all of my research. Everything that I will tell you about the history of Fred Lobster is the truth, or as close as you’re gonna get from me.
I’ve spent years compiling this information, and many trips to the northeast to verify my facts.
Frederick Lambhugger Halley was born in Bangher Maine, a suburb of Bangor, in the early 1800s. His father, like most of the men in the area, was a lobster fisherman. His mother, not a bad looking woman, worked at one of the houses in Bangher and charged a reasonable price for her services. Frederick had a brother named Red, remember that name for it will be important later in the story.
Some of you might be familiar with the name Halley: Frederick is the great, great, great,great,great, grandfather of my pal Scott, plus or minus a great or two. Most of y’all should remember my pal Scott Halley, he used to live across the road, until he got run out of town, and the truth is that guy in the video didn’t even look like him. Then he moved to the city, and I hear he’s opened up a bar called The Blue Light Lounge, but that’s enough about my pal Scott.
I’m gonna lightly touch on Frederick’s middle name, he got it from his uncle back in the days when a man’s name reflected what he did, or was accused of, and again he really didn’t look like that guy in the video.
Now back to the story, as you can imagine lobster being plentiful in Maine, it was hard to make a living because they were so cheap. Well Frederick and his brother Red came up with the ideal to haul lobster to St. Louis, to get a better price, and here is where the adventure begins.
Dang. I’m out of beer, got to get to the beer store, finish later.
Okay I’m back:
Well Frederick and Red sold everything they owned, so they could buy 4 mules, and outfit themselves for the trip west, they loaded the mules with all the lobsters they could pack. Kissed their mama goodbye, and hit the trail.
The first night of their trip, they realized they hadn’t thought of getting a map, there wasn't a lot of Walmarts around back then, so they were in a pickle. As luck would have it, late in the evening as they were letting the lobsters graze, (a lot of dang work tending lobster) a Chinaman walked into their camp, and introduced himself as Johnny. The Chinaman hadn’t been in this country very long, but long enough to have run across a Taiwanese guy, that had brought over with him a sack full of plastic compasses, and he had sold the whole dang bag to Johnny.
Frederick, Red and Johnny sat around the campfire and struck up a deal. Deal was if Johnny give them each a compass, and helped tend the lobsters, he could go along with them as far as St. Louis.
The next couple of months were pretty uneventful, and the boys had plenty of time to swap stories, and get to know each other, and become good pals. About the middle of the third month, Frederick noticed that the sun was coming up from the north more often than not, but he didn’t mention it to the others. He didn’t want them to worry about things, like the world coming to an end, or something like that. By the end of the month, Red mentioned to Frederick that he thought there might be a problem, cause had noticed the sun had been setting in the north. Frederick and Red then compared compasses, then they checked all of the compasses and no two pointed in the same direction. Then they went to work on kicking the stuffing out of the Chinaman’s ass.
The felt pretty bad about the beating they gave Johnny, so they bandaged him up and put him on light duty until he healed. After all it really wasn’t his fault, it was that dang Taiwanese bastard that screwed Johnny in the first place.
Frederick suggested and Red agreed that they should set up camp where they were, until they could find out where in the hell they were. And give Johnny time to heal up some, because he wasn’t much help in the shape he was in.
Two weeks after the incident (that’s what they called Johnny’s ass whipping) a stranger came through their camp, and told them they were near Ft. Smith, Arkansas. So they decided to winter camp there. That’s where Frederick met and fell in love with a large hairy humanoid creature. Later he found out it was what the locals called Ellis (or Bigfoot in different parts) of the south. Winters are cold and lonely in the woods in Arkansas, but in the spring Frederick sobered up and got a better look at his new mate, and he got Red and Johnny to help gather their gear and got the hell out of Dodge, so to speak.
One last note on the subject of Frederick’s love interest, and this is strictly rumor. Word was that in the fall she gave birth to a half human, and when he was old enough she sent little Tommy in search of his Paw.
Dang, I’ve got to go pee. Finish later.
Dang typing makes me drunk.
Anyway the boys headed northeast, in search of St Louis, or at least that was their plan. After a few days on the trail, they run into another dang Chinaman, seems like there was a bunch of Chinamen back then. That night when they made camp, they got to talking with this new Chinaman, and found out his name was Hop Dung. He had been hired by a ranching family, Carharts I think was their name. A fella named Ben had three sons big Joe, and Horse, and I don’t remember the other one’s name, anyway they had sent him stage coach fare from St. Louis to the ranch , but at the last stop, the other passengers complained to the stage coach driver about his smell, and so the driver give him his fare back and kicked him off the stage. Seems the Chinamen people named their young after some endearing quality and old Hoppy stunk.
Well he wandered around lost, until he run into this Taiwanese guy with a sack of plastic compasses, and he swapped his remaining coach fare for the whole dang sack. Now he was sure enough lost.
Frederick and the boys talked it over, and decided if Hoppy would clean up some, they would let him join them. The lobster herd was growing all the time, and they could use the help.
Hell after Hoppy got introduced to soap, he liked it and in his spare time he’d just go around singing and cleaning everything in sight. His smell improved and one night Johnny figured they ought to give him a better name so they talked it over, since all Hoppy liked to do was clean and sing, and he was a singing little son of a bitch, they settled on his new name, Hop Clean. I don’t make this shit up.
Now armed with a new sack of compasses, they hit the trail for STL, it was around Gilmer somewhere that they found a dang wounded Injun, laying in the trail, said he’d been shot by a bandit.
Well they patched him up best they could, and took turns keeping out an eye for bandits, while the Injun was healing. It was Hop Clean’s turn for guard duty , when a masked man on a big white horse rode into their camp, in the middle of the night. Hoppy was so dang nervous, that his gun went off shooting the masked man in the foot, and waking up the whole camp. Come to find out the masked man was a friend of the Injun, called him Kemosabe, or something like that.
When the Injun healed he took the boys south to meet his tribe, come to find out he was some big upped up in the Hackasaw tribe. The chief was so grateful for the boys saving the Injuns life, that he give, Frederick a piece of land on the Gerbine River. Right where FRed Lobster’s is today.
Now I may have to clear up some confusion on the name of the river. Some might not know that what is commonly called today the Sabine River, was originally the Gerbine River.
My Grandfather had a small general store in South Louisiana, and would on occasion go in to New Orleans to buy supplies, it was on such a trip that he run into a bunch of drunks, in a little hole in the wall honky tonk, on Bourbon Street. Well they got to talking and come to find out, they were on a mission. Seems their boss had hired them to map out and explore the land in that area. He was wanting to purchase Louisiana. Best I remember my grandfather said the ring leader’s name was Lewis Ann Clark (funny middle name for a man I thought) but my Grandfather said he was probably named that to make him tougher.
Anyway they had spent most of their advanced money on beer and whores, and then pissed off what little they had left on supplies and a bag full of plastic compasses. That little Taiwanese guy got around. Well, they were lost bigger than Dallas, and said they would pay my Grandfather to get them across to Louisiana, so a deal was struck and off they went
When he got them to the Texas border, Lewis Ann admitted that they didn’t have the money to pay him, but would give him the river, if he helped them get across, so my Grandfather got them across the river, and figured he had made a pretty good deal, with fish tax and all he figured he’d never see another poor day.
A few months later my Grandfather sent my Daddy and me up the river to kind of map it out.
MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH
Frederick, Red, Johnny and Hop Clean had discussed their options and had decided to set up lobster ranching on their newly acquired land. Turns out Frederick was a better lobster farmer than navigator. The herd was flourishing, and by now it took several acres to contain them.
While Frederick and Red built them a house, Johnny and Hop Clean would tend the herd. Seems like Hoppy always got the night shift cause he could sing the lobsters to sleep, that dang little Chinaman could sing.
MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RIVER
My daddy and me were slowly making our way up the river, pretty much living off of the land as we traveled, we noticed the further up we come the bigger the catfish got, by the time we went under the bridge at Highway 271 (wasn’t called that back then but i was too young to read the sign) two crawfish could feed us both.
Well we made it up the river a few miles, when we run into this motley crew of Yankees and Chinamen with the biggest crawfish we had ever seen. Come to find out they called ‘em lobsters and they was lobster farmers. My daddy said, it was a good thing that they called themselfs lobster farmers and not house builders, cause their house sucked. After visiting with ‘em for a while, they invited us to stay for supper, they weren’t any better at cooking lobster than they were at building houses, but we were polite and eat our bellies full, thanked them for the meal, and figured we owed them something for their effort. After supper they invited us to share their camp for the night, and we accepted.
The next morning my daddy went about showing Johnny how to boil the big crawfish, dang it must have been a while since them boys had a good meal, cause they didn’t want us to leave, we decided to hang around long enough to teach them how to cook a few things, and then our debt would be settled. I have to say it was good to be on solid ground, and the next couple of weeks, my daddy taught them how to make the best dang beans you ever eat, he also made up a batch of his home made brew, and brother when that beer was cooked off, we had friends for life.
During this time we had got to know the boys pretty well, Frederick the biggest of the bunch was about 6' 4" with sandy colored hair, Red was much shorter and had jet black hair, one night while when we was finishing up supper and drinking cold beer, my daddy asked Red how he come about the name Red, he didn’t want to say, but after a few more beers, Frederick told the story. You will remember, Frederick’s middle name was Lambhugger, named after his uncle, well Frederick never spent much time with his uncle, but Red did. Uncle Lambhugger introduced Clarence, that was Red’s real name, to the pleasures of lambhugging, if you get my drift. Clarence took to it, and liked it, and stayed with the hobby of lambhugging, even after he caught something ajax couldn’t scrub off, and that is how Red got his nick name.
After a few weeks of my daddy cooking and brewing beer, travelers would stop by and eat and drink, and tell what news they had, then move on. Word got spread pretty dang fast about the good food and beer, over at Frederick the lobster farmers place, that Frederick and Red decided to make a business of it, but they knew that it would depend on getting my daddy to stay long enough to teach them how to cook and brew the beer.
They offered my daddy a piece of land in exchange for teaching them his bean and beer secrets. My daddy agreed he would, if they would furnish him with some help, well as luck would have it, 3 brothers come floating down the river the very next day, and they was a looking for work. Them 3 boys was nice enough, and smart enough to learn, but dang they did like to fight amongst themselves. Hell they couldn’t even agree how to spell their own dang name. One of’em, put a ( c ) between the ( s ) and the ( h ). The oldest of the bunch had a dog, don’t remember the boy’s name but the dog's name was Duke, anyway he took to learning how to cook the beans, and caught on pretty quick.
The middle brother, the one that spelled his name different,(just out of meanness I think) caught on to making my daddy’s special brew, and wanted to be called a brewmaster.
The youngest one was called George, and all he ever wanted to do was hang around my daddy and learn philosophy and politics, don’t know if that boy will ever amount to much, but he was a nice enough fella.
Frederick and Red knew that they would now need a place for their customers to get in out of the weather, while they enjoyed their meal, they also knew that they were not the ones to build it. So they put out word, that they were in need of a building contractor.
Within a week, a fella shows up in a station wagon,(not sure what a station wagon is but that’s _what they showed up in). He had his whole family with him, his wife was an amazing woman, she could do things with her tits, that I ain’t never seen before, he had a little blonde headed daughter that was maybe the ugliest child I ever seen, but dang that girl was smart, and the son was just the opposite. He was a pretty boy, but dumb as a box of rocks(two fingers short of a full glove) if you know what I mean. Well the fella said he’d help them out, but they would have to do him a little favor when he was done, the boys were desperate so they took the deal.
In no time at all, the fella had the pavilion and a fireworks stand built, and the boys were ready to open for business, except for one thing, like most small business men, they hadn’t thought about a sign until my daddy mentioned it, so they were in a rush to find a sign painter.
There was only one sign painter in these parts, and he was lazy and he dressed funny but he took the job. They wrote out what they wanted on the sign,( Frederick and Red’s lobster farming and restaurant and beer hall and whore house) they figured Johnny could run the whore house by hand until they got some women. Well the sign painter being the lazy bastard that he was, did it the way he wanted to, FRed Lobster. And that is how they got the name.
They were now ready to open for business, and Johnny spent all of his free time,(which wasn’t much, between lobster tending, selling fireworks and working in the Whore house), looking for women to replace him.
Well Johnny finally made a deal with the Hackasaw Chief, for a few squaws, and I think everyone was glad, especially Johnny. Everyone that is except, Red and the sign painter. During Johnny stint in the whore house, Red had introduced him to role playing, and lambhugging (with Johnny playing the part of the lamb).
One night when Fred( that’s what they called him since the sign painters mistake) was making the rounds, to be sure everything was closed and locked up, he stumbled upon Red and Johnny behind the fireworks stand ,that’s how Johnny got his new last name, Lambutt.
Fred thought on it for a while, and he figured there might be some liabilities involved with his partner screwing the help, so to speak. He figured he’d better get rid of them both, so he did. I don’t know for sure, but I heard that Red is doing fine now, opened up a little restaurant based on the things he learnt from my daddy and Fred , and we all wish him well.
Johnny is doing okay now too, he started buying beer from my daddy, and opened up a little liquor store, he was going to call it Johnny’s Liquor, but my daddy talked him out of that, there was to many Blacks with the name Johnny in Gladewater, that had bad reputations. So he decided to call it by his last name, I don’t know if you can blame the sign painter for the mistake or not, get a Chinaman to say lambutt, it does sound like Lambert.
Chapter 6 :-)
Life was good, and business was booming, between the restaurant, lobster farming, the fireworks stand and the whore house, the boys stayed plenty busy. They worked late into the nights, and then would sleep out under the stars(weather permitting) and let the sun wake ’em up, then do it again.
One morning Fred knew it was time to get up and get going, but it was still dark, he thought it must be a dang eclipse, and as he started to get up, something grabbed him and lifted him straight up, and before he could holler for help, the dang thing started kissing him and crying, and calling him paw.
All the commotion got the whole camp stirring, and the boys finally got Fred free from this creature, turns out it was Tommy. As they went about fixing breakfast, Tommy told his story about searching for years for his paw, Fred could see a slight resemblance, but he wouldn’t admit Tommy was his. He fed the boy, and said he’d let him stay on, if he could pull his own weight, so they put him to doing odd jobs around the place, for food and a place to sleep, but Fred made him quit calling him paw.(seems Fred wasn’t particularly fond of everyone knowing he’d slept with a bigfoot).
I won’t say to much about Tommy now, other than he caught on quickly to his work, and was good-natured enough, seems his feet had grown so fast, that it had took all the calcium from his head, and he had a soft spot. At least that’s the best I could understand, when Fred said the boy was a little soft in the head.
By now the builder was done with his work, and the place was looking pretty good, so Fred ask the fella what he owed him? The guy says he’ll call it even if Fred would keep his son on for the summer as kind of a handyman. Fred agreed and that was the last we ever seen or heard from him.
The boy was a pretty good hand and he didn’t eat as much as Tommy, and it give Tommy someone to play with. Them boys was always building something, so for Christmas one year Fred give ’em a black and decker tool kit, had a circular saw and a drill motor in it. It was a dang nice kit for the time.
Before New Year's Eve, they became blood brothers, not intentionally, seems they had one of them industrial accidents. Stubby (that's what we call him now) was cutting through a 2X4 and didn’t stop until he made it through his glove and Tommy’s boot. Fred took the power tools away and told them to go help in the fireworks stand.
Well like I said earlier, life was good and business was booming, especially after they put the railroad through. The train would stop and Fred would send me up to meet it with the mules, and I’d pick up any mail, and bring the crew and passengers back to Fred Lobsters for food, spirits and fireworks, and then I’d haul there drunk ass’s back to the train.
One day Fred gets a letter from his mother, seems one of the women that had worked in the same house as she had, many years ago, had a son that was the spitting image of Fred. Well that boy had a son, and so on and so on, and now Fred’s great great great great great grandson, plus a minus a great or two, was headed this way to meet him, come to find out he was coming in on the next morning's train.
Fred knew his mother wouldn’t lie to him, so he got everyone busy getting the place ready for his great great great great great grandson, plus or minus a great or two. Fred sends me to meet the train the next morning to pick the boy up. Says I should easily recognize him, so I’m there first thing the next morning, waiting for the train, when it shows up, off steps the funnies looking fella I ever saw. He had on a multi—colored plaid suit, button-up shoes, and a derby had, he was a lot older than me and bigger, so I didn’t laugh at him, but I knew he’d catch hell if I brought back to Fred Lobster looking like that.
Well I introduced myself and he said his name was Scott Halley, and I explained to him that them clothes might work in the east, but he ought to get some new ones before we went back to Fred lobster. He agreed to leave it up to me to pick him out some new duds, said a few folks had already commented on his clothes when the train had laid over in Ft.Worth.
Teaching him how to pick out clothes wasn’t near as hard as teaching him to ride a dang mule, but I never gave up, and he now does a pretty good job with both. Fred now added a new job to my already busy schedule, I now had to keep an eye on Scott Halley, as well as Stubby, and Tommy, I was the youngest and smallest of the bunch, hell I wasn’t but a kid back then. Fred's biggest concern was that they would hang out at the whore house, and run up his tab.
One night while I was out riding, the graveyard shift, daylight till dawn (dang anyone feel free to use that in a song) that’s when I seen what I saw. There on his belly, on top of a little knoll lay Scott Halley, he was looking down at the pond. I said "Hey Scott Halley, what are you doing?" When he saw me, he give me the universal sign of silence, you know the one, where you hold your finger straight up and put it to your lips, then you say shut the phuck up, then he motioned me over, and pointed down at the pond, when I had reached him, and lay down beside him, he whispered "see that beautiful Injun squaw down there taking a bath". Well I knew right off, he’d been drinking, cause I could smell it on him, and that creature taking a bath wasn’t no beautiful squaw. Seeing as how he was a lot bigger than me, I didn’t argue with him, I Just nodded my head that I sure saw something down there.
Well he eased on down to the pond and struck up a conversation, shared his bottle with the creature and they headed on into the woods, I got back on my mule, and finished my rounds(checking on the lobster herd). When I finished my work, I slipped on over to where they were having their little love fest, I knew two things right off, first thing was Scott Halley needed glasses, and second thing I recognized his beautiful squaw was none other than the notorious Johnny Black.
I figured the best thing for me to do was get on back to camp, and keep my mouth shut, so that’s what I done, but I did mention to Fred the next morning, that we might ought to do something about Scott Halley’s eyes. Fred didn’t seem to be to interested in spending any money that he didn’t have to, so he just ignored my suggestion at the time.
When Mr. Black showed up a few months later, with Johnny in tow, and being in a family way(Johnny being the one that was swelling), Fred reconsidered my idea about glasses for Scott Halley. Fred and Mr. Black had a sit down, and they agreed that Johnny should go on and have the baby, but after the delivered, it would be up to Fred to make things right.
The morning after the baby come, Fred sent Hop Clean down to the river to wash the poor ugly little bastard up some, after a few hours, they agreed that he wasn’t gonna be able to wash the ugly off .
Fred realized there was only one thing to do, he’d have to put the boy up for adoption(the old fashion way). He had Hoppy wrapped the little bastard in a good soft hide, stuck him in a leaky canoe, and give it a push down river. Scott Halley and Johnny was just a huggin and a crying, that is until the canoe went around the first bend in the river, and was out of site.
Then everyone had a beer or two, and agreed it was the right thing to do. Don’t feel to bad for Bubba, that’s what Fred called him. As it turns out, a family in Swamp City found him, and raised him, We heard that the boy turned out fine, even became the mayor of Swamp City.
After everything settled, Fred had to pay for Johnny’s operation, Seems Mr. Black figured Johnny’s reputation was soiled, so they turned her into a man. Did I mention she was already bald and had a mustache, before the surgery?
Well not too much happened for the next few months, that is, until the circus came to town. Captain Jack, (they used to call the guy in charge of the train Captain) brought the circus in on his train, and it was something to see. They had all kinds of strange animals, freaks, a bearded lady, and some dang midgets. We had never seen no midgets before, and one of them midget women was just my size, and Scott Halley said he thought she liked me, Tommy and Stubby agreed with Scott Halley, so they set us up for a little date. (little date, midget woman and a kid, get it dang that shit is funny).
I was dang near ten by then, or would be on my next birthday, and I had just come into puberty. Although I didn’t have any real first hand experience in the ways of the world, I’d been around the whore house enough to know how to make a baby, and I’d seen ole Sarge in action enough to know how to make a puppy, I went for the puppy.
Well everybody enjoyed the circus and most everybody got drunk, including Capt’n Jack. He was so dang drunk, he drove the train off the track. Fred sent me and the gang down to see if we could get it back on the track, while Scott Halley, Stubby, and me was sitting down figuring how to get it back on, Tommy picked up the front tires, and put them on the track, he needed a little help to lift the rear, but between us we got her done. Capt’n Jack was still drunk, and I figure that’s why he hired Tommy on the spot.
He was gonna teach Tommy to drive the train, so he could sleep it off. Just as he’d get the train rolling Tommy would over-steer the dang thing, and it would jump off again, so I figured if I just tied the steering wheel up, marked the throttle one color, and the brake another, Tommy could handle it. Sure enough it worked, and I hear that they don’t even put steering wheels on them anymore.
Everything settled back down to normal, we all did miss Tommy some, but I was to busy waiting to hear from my girlfriend, to miss him too much. It had been over 2 months, and still no puppies. Dang I think it was almost a year later, before I heard from her, she sent a bundle and a little note by way of Capt,n Jack and Tommy. The note said her name is Kelly, well you can imagine my surprise, and disappointment, I was expecting a puppy. Lucky for me Stubby wasn’t to dang smart, I swapped the bundle with him for a three bladed pocket knife, one of the blades was broken, I sometimes feel bad about doing that to him.