HISTORY OF FRED LOBSTER
Now that Tommy worked for the railroad, we could ride the train free, so Fred sent us to Ft. Worth to get Scott Halley some glasses. Fred give me four dollars, and said to get Scott some good ones. Stubby tied Kelly up to the front porch, put out fresh food and water, and the three of us caught the train. We got into Ft. Worth just about dark, and Capt’n Jack said the eyeglass store was closed, and we would have to wait til morning. We hung around the train station until Tommy got the train unloaded, and we all headed downtown, hell I had a pocket full of money, and we was gonna spend some of it.
None of us had ever been to a picture show(movie theater), so that is what we settled on. We were in luck too, the marque said NOW PLAYING, Zorro Rides Again. We didn’t know who Zorro was, but we were all happy that he could ride again. Back then, there was no sound, other than a piano player, and you had to read what they were a saying. Seeing how I was the only one that could read, I had to read the whole dang movie out loud for the rest of the gang.
As it turns out this Zorro fella, was a gentleman rancher by day, and a crime fighter at night. He’d change into his Zorro costume, and with a whip and a sword, he’d kick the bad guys butt. We all enjoyed the movie, but Scott Halley thought it was one of them Divine messages, and he went to thinking. After the show, we all went back to the train yard, to find an empty boxcar, so we could get some sleep.
Just before daylight, Scott Halley woke me up, to tell me his plan. Seems he wanted to be a gentleman lobster rancher by day, and rid the world of evil at night. He wanted me to use the rest of his eye glass money to‘ buy a whip and a sword, I said we’d have to get the glasses first, cause I didn’t want to piss Fred off.
At daylight we were hunting the eye glass store, and when they opened the store we were the first customers. The lady that was selling the glasses, was a real tall blonde haired gal, she was very helpful, and talkative. She told us that she rode an Indian, Scott Halley said, “hell lady I been riding Injuns for years”. (Scott had slipped off to the whore house a couple of times) Well when she heard that, she got all excited, and said since we rode Indians, we was all brothers and we could get a discount. We were happy for the discount, but we had no idea of what the hell she was talking about. Did I mention she was blonde?
Between the cost of the picture show, and the glasses, we still had about a dollar left. So we went off in search of a whip and a sword. Boy was we surprised to find out the cost of a whip and a sword. Only thing in our price range, was a box of darts. Scott Halley was sure disappointed at first, but I explained to him, that he didn’t want to copy Zorro exactly, and he finally agreed, so we got the darts.
HISTORY OF FRED LOBSTER
With his new glasses, he had a pretty good eye for throwing darts, now all he needed was a costume, and a name. Scott Halley had kept his multi-colored plaid suit, so he went to work on modifying it, he made a cape out of the suit coat. When he showed it to me, I said dang Scott Halley, if you're gonna wear that, you had better wear a mask, cause people are gonna laugh at you, so he took one of the jacket sleeves and cut a couple holes in it, and a superhero was born.
Now what I’m fixing to tell you, is a sure enough secret, so before you read any further, you’ll have to swear to secrecy. (Go ahead and swear now) because there are evil doers all over the place that would love to know the true identity of Dartanyun.
Armed with his new costume, and box of darts, Dartanyun would saddle up my mule every night and go off looking for evil doers. The first couple of months were uneventful, not a lot of evil doers in our neighborhood. Then I found out he was never going further than the shadows of out camp, Dartanyun was afraid of the dark. I wasn’t an evil doer fighter, but I became his sidekick, so we could go a little further.
One night while we was out riding, graveyard shift, daylight til dawn, the moon was bright as a reading light, (dang someone needs to use that in a song), anyway we come upon a camp of strangers. I said dang Scott Halley, look at that, there’s a camp of strangers, he turned around in the saddle and knocked me off the mule, (did I mention that we had to ride double, he didn’t have a horse at that time), he said don’t ever call him by his real name, when he was in his Dartanyun suit.
He helped me get up, and we eased over closer to there camp. They was strangers alright, and they was strange. We had never seen anyone that looked like them before, they was dressed funny, and they talked funny, there must have been a couple hundred ofem. WE hightailed it back to Fred Lobster, and told Fred what we saw.
The next morning, Fred took over some lobsters, and introduced himself, when he come back home he told us, that they was a tribe of Huns, and that their leader Attila, had invited him to a big shindig that they were having that night. So about dark, Fred got cleaned up and went on over to the party in his canoe . Me and Scott Halley, waited a couple of hours, then he put on his costume, and we slipped on over in the shadows, so we could watch what was going on, Dartanyun didn’t trust them folks.
Well there party itinerary consisted of, drinking, eating, drinking, then a virgin sacrifice. They explained to Fred, that they had to sacrifice a virgin ever year, so they could continue to prosper, with there pillaging, raping, and killing. Attila wasn’t to happy about to nights sacrifice, cause they was down to there last virgin, Tila the Hon. She was Attila’s two year old daughter, a beautiful little blonde headed little girl.
Well me and Dartanyun, knew we had to do something. While them Huns was drinking and partying, we snuck over to where the baby was playing, and while Dartanyun stood guard, darts at the ready, I snatched the girl up, and we headed to the river, that’s as far as our plan went, when we made it to the river, we had to plan some more. We wrapped the baby in a soft hide, and put her in Fred’s canoe, give her a little push. We then went back to keep an eye on the party, hell them Huns got so drunk, they didn’t realize that they hadn’t made the sacrifice.
Not to worry about the beautiful baby Tila, we heard some nice family in Swamp City, took her in. She wound up marrying a nice catholic boy, we figured he was catholic, because he worked for mass theology, or something like that, last we heard he moved his family to Hawaii, grew his hair out long, dressed funny, and chased bad guys on television.
HISTORY OF FRED LOBSTER
It was long late in the evening when he rode into our camp, on a little brown pony he called Chaw. With brogan boots, and overalls a tougher looking sight, we had never in our lives before had saw. He said his pa had married twice, and his new ma beat him every day or two, so he saddled up ole Chaw one night, and lit a shuck this way, thought it time now to paddle his own canoe. He said if we would give him work, he’s do the best he could, but he didn’t know straight up about a lobster.(dang it’s gonna be hard to make something gel with lobster) So the boss picked him out a bunk, and kindly laid him down, cause he sorta liked our little stay some how.(dang I couldn’t do it).
ANYONE KNOWING WHERE I GOT THAT FROM WINS A FREE WEEKEND FOR TWO AT FRED LOBSTER! ! ! ! ll!
The next morning, Fred had Hoppy clean up the kid, while we was deciding what to do with him, well you can imagine our surprise, when we was watching Hoppy clean him up down at the river, to see that it wasn’t no boy at all, it was a dang gal, and a handsome one at that. Seems Hoppy had better luck scrubbing off the ugly on Nez than he had on Bubba. I don’t think I mentioned that the kid's name was Nez yet.
Now we was sure enough in a dilemma, the only gals we had working for us was the whores, and although she had the hips for whoring, she was a little slight in the other department. If you get my meaning. Scott Halley come up with the idea to poke sweat socks in her brassiere (pronounced braz-zeere) and that seemed to work, she looked fine. No matter that she looked good, none of the customers wanted anything to do with her, they all said she had a smell of stinky feet. So Fred give up on whoring her out, and put her to work running the bar. And she caught on quick, and did a hell of a job, and the customers liked her better after she took Scott Halley’s sweat socks out of her braz—zeere. Seems Scott Halley and give her a used pair of socks.
Well we all agreed Nez was a natural born leader, she had that bar a humming, and life was good. Until a dang peddler who called himself Hogeye showed up, said he was selling telephones, so Fred says what the hell is a telephone. Hogeye tried to explain to the gang, that you could talk to anyone in the country, that had a telephone, and one day every body would have one. Scott Halley said “bullshit”.
Just as all salesmen are, ole Hogeye was a smooth talker, and when he took to sniffing around Nez, we knew we was in trouble. Fred had done had to ban him from the whore house, cause he carried a pet anaconda in his britches, and he had pretty much done wrecked all the whores, for normal men.
Well he took to putting on the charm, and poor Nez was defenseless. It wasn’t long before we watched him saddle up ole Chaw , and took Nez off to the city(Swamp City). I remember Fred and the boys watching them go down the trail ,into the sunset, and Fred says, with all the whores here for that son of a bitch to choose from, why Nez?
HISTORY OF FRED LOBSTER
Fred was despondent for a few days after we lost Nez, but then he pulled himself back together, and got back to business. Hell we all missed her, did I mention her hips? Fred’s first order to me was to get the rest of the crew pulling there own weight. Finding Stubby something to build wasn’t that hard, but I knew finding Scott Halley a job wasn’t gonna be easy.
While I was a thinking about it, the train stopped, and Tommy blew the whistle. That was the signal for me to take the mules up to the train, and pick up the crew, and passengers. So me and Scott Halley saddled’em up and went to get’em. Well there was a fella carrying a guitar------------------------he was just a lad, nearly 22 neither good nor bad, just a kid like you. (Here is another chance to win a weekend for two at Fred lobster, First son of a bitch that knows the kids stage name wins)
Well the boy introduced himself, said his name was Hiram, he left his home in Alabama, was headed for Nashville to seek his fame and fortune, but he was, (here comes clue number two) like a rolling stone, all alone and lost, for his life of sin, he paid the cost, when he walked by, all the people would say, just another guy, on the lost highway. As it turned out he had left Alabama walking, with his suit case , guitar, and $8.00, but when he got to Montgomery, he run into this Taiwanese guy. Yeah the same dang compass peddler, that every one else had run into. Then he wound up walking to Ft. Worth, before he realized he was heading in the wrong direction. So he throws his new compasses away, and hops on a train heading in the right direction.
His train ticket had busted him, and he was hungry, so Fred give him a few dollars and a couple of lobsters, for his guitar. After the kid had eat, and drank a couple of beers, he sang us a few songs, one about some food he had eat in Louisiana, one about a bird that couldn’t fly, and a few more that I don’t remember. He was pretty good, but when he was leaving Scott Halley said, boy you sang good enough, but ifyour gonna make it in Nashville, you’re gonna have to change that name.
Dang if you ain’t got it by now, you just ain’t gonna get it, so lets move on. Anyway we now had a guitar, so I figured that if I could teach Scott Halley how to play it, he could then carry his own weight, Dang what a job that was, but I finally got him to making a few cords, and after weeks of practice, he was ready to lead the Fred Lobster house band. While he was a playing one night, Hop-Clean joined in singing with him, dang that little Chinaman could sing. In fact he sang so good, that Scott Halley suggested we change his name to Hop-Sing.
Myjob was now getting easier, with Stubby building a new out house, and Scott Halley playing in the band, I had my days pretty much freed up. I still had my side kicking job, but that didn’t start til after dark, when Scotty Halley was done entertaining the dinner crowd.
HISTORY OF FRED LOBSTER
Chapter 13 (Bankruptcy)
By now my daddy had made enough money to start building a house up on the hill, he bought the material, and put Stubby to work on it. Then he got the sign painter lined out to go up the river, and paint a sign at every road crossing the Gerbine river. It should have been easy enough, all he wanted was my Grand fathers initials and the family name, Samuel Adams Gerbine , the sign should have read, S. A. Gerbine River. He paid the sign painter up hunt, and helped him load his canoe, with paint, sign blanks, and they strapped a ladder down, and the painter was off to get the job done.
My daddy was a pretty even natured fella, but a couple of months after the sign painter had left, folks started showing up at Fred Lobster, calling the river the Sabine river, they said there was signs everywhere that read S.A..Bine river, dang my daddy was pissed. When he got through stomping another hole in that sign painters ass, the painter give him what money he had left, and deed to his little sign shop, then he took his lazy, fimny dressing ass off to south Texas * somewhere, we hadn’t seen him sense
My daddy had intended to get the signs fixed, but then he got word, that he needed to come home. He left me in charge ofthe house building, and the Sign shop. With Stubby building the house, I didn’t have much to worry about there, cause he liked working by himself, so I hired a kid to run the sign shop, and life was good.
Scott Halley had been trying to court this Injun Princess, but she didn’t want much to do with a son of a bitch that rode double on a mule, Scott Halley was still afraid of the dark, so I’d have to ride over to her tee pee with him to pick her up, and then the three of us would try to get on my poor mule, she didn’t much go for that.
I’ve got to say, that during daylight hours, Scott Halley was just your average everyday, run of the mill, type son of a bitch, but after dark, and about three beer, he could show signs of pure genius. It was on such an occasion that he developed our new plan, making fighting evil doers profitable. The plan was simple enough, the way he explained to me was, money was the root of all evil, I agreed with that. So he says, lets get the evil doers money, before they have a chance to do evil. That made since to me, so I says how are we gonna know ifthey’re evil doers, before they do evil. He says, not a problem, he could tell a liar, right off. So all we had to do was ask’em.
Dang, that plan was working pretty good, after dark we’d go hide out on the trail, my job was to hold the mule, and when somebody came by, Dartanyun would jump out, and ask’em straight up if they was up to no good, if they said yeah, we took there money, if they said no, Dartanyun would bitch slap’em, for lying, and then we’d take there money. It was a win, win deal for us.
Now that we had money, you would have thought that Scotty Halley would have been happy, but he wasn’t have much luck with his Injun Princess, we was sitting around talking about it one day, when we heard the train whistle, so Scott Halley helped me saddle up the mule, and we went down to pick up any passengers or crew, that wanted to come to Fred Lobster for food, drink, or whores.
We had made it almost to the tracks when we hear this hell of a noise, folks are piled around watching this guy on a bicycle, with a loud ass motor go around in circles, seems it was a demonstration for these 3 yankee fellas from Milwaukee, that was down here selling what they called a motorcycle. They had been to Shreveport, and was on there way to Ft. Worth to open up a motorcycle store. Me and Scott Halley knew right off, we had to have us one of them, so we asked the guy, how much it cost, the fella named Bill said we couldn’t afford it, he was kind of an asshole, but the other two were brothers Art and Walt, they were a little nicer, and they told us what it would cost.
Them boys didn’t know that we had a pocket full of money, fighting evil doers was real profitable, sense Scott Halley had come up with our plan. With the cash we had, and the tab them boys run up at the whore house, the next morning we had a dang nice motorcycle, with a Sidecar.
Well our lives changed after we got that motorcycle, it had a headlight, so Scott Halley could go off in the dark without me, and that Injun Princess, that didn’t want much to do with him before, now thought he was the coolest son of a bitch around. She’d get drunk and ride that motorcycle, hooping and a hollering up and down the dang road. It was something to see, cause ifshe got drunk enough, she’d go to tearing offher dang clothes.
HISTORY OF FRED LOBSTER
If I was titling these chapters, this one would be either THE REDHEADED STRANGER, or THE BITCH THAT RUINED MY LIFE, but don’t let me get ahead of myself. Scott Halley knew that he couldn’t ride that motorcycle in the daylight, and use it at night as Dartanyun, or someone would figure out his true identity, so he settled on using it only at night.
He wanted to paint it so no one would recognize it, I had to talk him out of painting it light blue, and naming it My Little Pony. He finally agreed to paint it black , but we couldn’t agree on a name for it, I wanted to name it Black Beauty, but he liked Snowball better, so that was it’s new name.
One morning we didn’t have anything better to do, so we walked up to where Stubby was building the house, we hadn’t checked on it in quiet a while. Dang we were sure surprised to see the progress he had made, he was already doing the finishing work inside. As we come up fi'om the pasture, we could see him at the kitchen table eating something. So we hollered in at him, and before we knew it, a dang red headed son of a bitch, come out on the veranda, and she hollered down at us, told us to be quiet. Well we let her know real quick, who in the hell we were, and that she couldn’t tell us what to do. Dang if she didn’t start throwing stuff at us, I wasjust fix’en to tell her that Scott Halley, was fix’en to come up there and kick her butt, then she started climbing down the veranda, and Scott Halley said come on let’s go, but more than saying it, it was kinda like a whimper.
As we were walking back down to the river, I asked Scott Halley if he was scared of her, and he said hell no, so then I says, how come we’re leaving, and he said, cause Fred had told him to feed the mules, and we had better get back and feed’em, so I says, ok, but what are we gonna do about the redheaded son of bitch, that run us off, and it being our own dang house, he says, don’t worry about it, Dartanyun would take care of it tonight.
I had never heard a whimper in Scott Halley’s voice before, not even when we went into the Devil worshipers cave, down on the river(I can’t tell ya’11 exactly where it was, because after the shootout, with the head Devil guy, we sealed it up, and made a pack, not to ever tell anyone) , so I figured this was gonna get ugly. That afternoon, Stubby come down to the Fred Lobster’s to get some more material, and we asked him where in the hell had that redheaded son of a bitch come from? H e said, he didn’t know, she just showed up one day, and started cleaning up the place some, and the next thing he knew, she moved her stuff in, and kinda took over.
When it got good and dark, me and Dartanyun jumped on Snowball, and made our way up to the new house, we parked in the pine thicket, behind the house ,and Dartanyun told me to stay with Snowball, and he would go and get this straighten out. He kinda creeps up to the side door, darts at the ready, and then all hell breaks loose, I couldn’t see what was a happening, but I could dang sure hear it. There was blood curdling sounds, coming mostly from Dartanyun, then I see him kinda walking funny back over to me and Snowball, so I says Dartanyun you ok? He says shut up , and help me get these darts out of my ass.
On the ride back to Fred lobster, he says, that woman is pure evil, and we’re gonna have to get a priest to exorcize her, I said, dang Dartanyun, she don’t look like she needs no exercising, seems she’s in better shape than you are right now. He didn’t say anything else, he just knocked me out of the Sidecar, and kept on going.
The next morning, we rode the mules up to the catholic church, and talked to the priest. He agreed to meet us at the house that afternoon, and exorcize her. On about 4 o’clock he showed up with his satchel of crosses and holy water, and marched right on up to the house, that redheaded son of a bitch invited him in, and then the fight began, Me and Scott Halley, was still outside, so we couldn’t see what was going on, but the screaming was ear shattering.
On about dark, the priest comes out without his satchel, and ask us if we could give him a ride over to the Methodist church, seems he wanted a job with them folks, because they didn’t have no exorcising in there church. He told us he had never seen anything like it, and the only thing he knew for us to do, was to find someone more evil than that redheaded son of a bitch, to run her off.
Dang it felt good to have a plan, so we set out to find the evilest, son of a bitch we could find. After weeks of hunting, and putting the word out, Tommy showed up, he said, his boss Capt’n Jack, had told him about a woman in New Orleans, Marie LaVoe, Capt’n Jack said if she couldn’t help, no one could. Tommy got Capt’n Jack to let him use the train for the weekend, and we were off to New Orleans.
HISTORY OF FRED LOBSTER
PLEASE EXCUSE ME IF MY PARTICIPLES DANGLE, I’M DRUNK AS A PIG.
Dang this next part is gonna be exciting, ifI can get it from head to my fingers. Looks like I lefi my caps lock on. 0k where was we? Oh yeah, we had got the train from Capt’n Jack, loaded up our grip, and Snowball, and headed for New Orleans. Fred give us $8.00 for gas, and we was off.
We had packed us a couple of lobsters each, bid farewell to the rest of the gang, when Tommy tells us the battery is dead, so me and Scott Halley had to push start the dang train to get it going.
We later found out that Tommy had left the radio on and drained the battery down.
After getting underway, I says to Tommy, is there anything we can do to help you, he says no
he’s got it all under control, and me and Scott Halley can go back to the club car, and make our
self comfortable, he says we should be in New Orleans mid day tomorrow. Well we climb over
the coal car, and make our way to the club car, fix up a lobster each, and after we eat ,we figure
to catch a nap before we get to Shreveport.
I woke up when Tommy pulled up and stopped at the pump, and I watched him go in to pay for
the gas. Sure seemed like it was taking him a long time, so I gets out and head over to where he is
talking with this little foreign looking fella, when Tommy sees me he ends his conversation and
comes on back to the train. I really didn’t give it any thought, and crawl back up to the club car,
and in a minute we’re back underway.
Me and Scott Halley was pretty worn out from having to push the dang train, so we sleeps in a
little, I had noticed that We stopped and started a lot during the night, but really didn’t give it
much thought, then when I get good and awake, I notice there is passengers in dang near every
seat, now I know that Capt’n Jack had put us on a route, that we wasn’t suppose to haul any
passengers or freight, Tommy only had his beginners permit.
I wake up Scott Halley, and I says what the hell is going 011? Scott Halley says he don’t know,
but for me to shut up and let him sleep, so I did. About mid morning, Scott Halley wakes up, and
comes over to where I’m serving all these passengers lunch in the dinning car, he says to me,
what the hell is going on? I says I don’t know, but every time the train stops, some people get on,
and some get off, but when they get on, they’re all asking me how much do they owe, Ijust pick
a number, and they pay me. Scott Halley says, ok but we split the money, I says ok, but you’ll
have to help me handle all these sons of bitches.
Scott Halley says he’ll open up the bar car, and for me to come help him when I’m done feeding
these folks. By now we’ve got 3 passengers cars full of hungry, thirsty customers, and it’s all profit.
Earlier I had noticed a blind fella, he had on dark sunglasses, and was carrying a cane, he was a
good tipper, so I checked on him often, on the other hand there was an old lady , wearing a straw
hat with flowers all over it, and it had this little bee hooked on a piece of wire, so that every time
she moved her head, the little bee would bounce and bobble around like it was going from flower
to flower, and that old bitch didn’t tip for shit.
After a few hours of serving all these folks, I realized that I hadn’t seen Scott Halley in a while, so
I went to looking for him, I could use a little help. Well I had no luck finding him, so I go to check
on the passengers, and I notice that the blind man no longer has his glasses, and then I see that the
old woman is now hatless. About the sixth row back in the second car, I see a fella with dark
glasses, a bee bouncing around on his hat, he’s got a drink ofWhisky in each hand, so I says mister
you doing ok, and he says I’m doingjust fine, well as quick as he talked, I recognized his voice, I
says Scott Halley! He says, I’m sorry sir you must have me confused with some one else, I’m
Well I wasjust fix’en to tell him I knew who he was, and I needed some help, with all these folks,
ifwe was gonna split the money, when the train come to a screeching halt. I poked my head out of
the window, and I could see a dang tree laid across the track, before I could say dang, a group of
outlaws jumped on the train, with guns a blazing. Them sons of bitches was going from passenger
to passenger, taking there money and valuables.
When them outlaws got to where me and DrunkMan was, they tell me they didn’t want my money
cause I was just a kid, but the head son ofa bitch puts his gun in DrunkMans ear, and says give
me your money, well DrunkMan gives the son of a bitch, $1.58, and then he stammers out, x x x x
excuse me, but I have to go to the ba ba ba bath toilet, well all them outlaws just went to laughing,
they think they done scared the shit out of this old boy, so the head outlaw, I heard one of the
other outlaws call him Jesse, says to DrunkMan, go on.
I was watching DrunkMan, as he staggered up the isle, and I seen him pick up Scott Halley’s
satchel, and slip off into the bathroom. Jesse calls out to another of the outlaws , he says Frank
keep an eye on the drunk. So Frank goes over and stands by the bathroom door. As soon as
Drunkman closed the door, he was like lightning, he had on his Dartanyun costume, and slipped
out the Window, run around and come in the front door, with darts a flying, them sons of bitches
never knew what hit ’em, next thing I know, there is outlaws stapled to walls everywhere.
Dartanyun has me pick up their guns, and he says to them outlaws, if you sons of bitches give back all the money you took, go to church next Sunday, and promise to stay out of Louisiana, and
Texas, I’m gonna let yall go. The one called Jesse, said not a problem, we’ll give back the money,
and go to church, but mister we ain’t never been to Louisiana or Texas, this here is
Missouri,.Dartanyun said, bullshit. But all the passengers backed up the outlaws on this . So
Dartanyun let them sons of bitches go.
Me and Dartanyun make our way up to the train engine, and we see Tommy with all these colored
plastic things spread out all over the dashboard, so I says Tommy what the hell is that, when he
sees us he tries to cover ’em up, and he says, what’s what? Well as it turns out, when Tommy was
paying for the gas in Shreveport, he run into a little Taiwanese guy selling a bag full of plastic
‘ compasses, and that is how we wound up in Missouri.
HISTORY OF FRED LOBSTER
We finally figured out exactly where we were, with the help of this kind old white haired
gentleman, he said we weren’t to far from his hometown of Hannibal, and there was a place for
us to turn the train around. So me and Scott Halley, introduced our selves, and the old fella said
his name was Sam Clemens, said he’d been driving a steamboat down on the Mississippi, and
was now headed back home to Hannibal. He figured he’d try to write a few adventure stories, but
he admitted he hadn’t had many adventures to write about. He was a nice enough old guy, so me
and Scott Halley, told him, we had plenty adventures, and we would tell a couple, and if he
wanted he could use’em.
We told him about the time, we built a raft, and helped our buddy escape from the slave hunters,
by taking him north, and about the big picnic and us hiding out in the cave, oh yeah and about the
time we tricked some boys into painting the fence. Well before we know it, Tommy’s tooting the
horn, and we’re pulling into HanniBal. Ole Sam says you boys don’t mind if I write some of
them stories do you, and we tell him that’ll be fine, but to change our names, because we didn’t
want no big fuss made over us, so he agrees to do that, and we help the old man get off the train,
As Tommy was turning the train around, I had a minute to say goodbye to Sam, and that’s when I
tell him to call Scott Halley’s character Dingleberry Firm, and he says ok, but how come? So I
tell him That Dingleberry Finn, was Scott Halley’ s best buddy. The truth was that Robert
Dingleberry Finn, most folks called him R.D. was a two-bit crook, that hung around Fred Lobster
humming free drinks, and never paying his tab at the whore house.
Sam said he’d send us a copy of his book when he got it published, and Tommy got the train
turned around, and once again we were on our way to New Orleans.(about a year later we got a
copy of a book, about our adventures, but I guess old Sam told the story to another fella, and he
wrote the book, cause this guy’s name was Mark something, and he screwed up Scott Halley’s
name, called him Huckleberry)
We finally made it back to Shreveport, and Scott Halley made me go in with Tommy to pay for
the gas, he didn’t want any more mishaps. It was a good thing I did too, cause there was a
telegram from Fred, all it said was NEZ GETS NEW SOCKS, WANTS JOB BACK, ADVISE,
When we got back on the train, and headed south, I told Scott Halley about the telegram, and that
Fred wanted our opinion, he said we’d have to wait until we got back so we could sniff her out
We pulled into New Orleans, late Friday afternoon, and by the time Tommy found a place to park
the train it was getting dark. Scott Halley and me unloaded Snowball, and went off in search of
Marie Lavoe’s place. A sign on her door said she was closed for the weekend, and would be open
on Monday morning. We were pissed, cause now we had to spend the dang weekend in New
Orleans, with nothing to do but drink, eat, listen to good music, and chase whores.
Scott Halley picked out a little hole in the wall bar, found us a table in the back, and we set up
camp. After 4 or 5 drinks, Scott Halley says, he better go find Tommy and let him know where
we are, and for me to stay and hold down the camp, So I have a few more drinks, and this fella
comes over to my table, and he shows me a photograph of this guy, and ask me if had seen him. I
says no, but how come you ask? He says that’s his job, he’s here looking for him. I asked him if
he was a police, and he said kinda, well after talking with this guy for a little while, I find out he
use to life in Swamp City, so we drink to Swamp City, and we drink to Fred Lobster, and we
drink to anything thing else we can think to drink to. Our Waitress was a cute little think, and my
new friend was tipping her plenty good, because of her excellent service. After a few hours, she
tells us that she was getting off work now and thanked us for our business, my new pal, asked her
if she wanted to have a drink with us, and she says she has got to go to a party, we ask her where
is the party? She looks us over for a minute, then she says, if you're not racist, sexist, or
homophobic I’ll draw yall a map . What that deputy said then was no doubt the funniest thing I
have ever heard in my entire life, and it’s a dang shame I was to drunk to remember it.
HISTORY OF FRED LOBSTER
After a while Scott Halley shows back up, and says he found Tommy. He figures Tommy is safe enough, wandering the streets of New Orleans, cause he done got hooked up with a tambourine player from the Salvation Army, and they was gonna go get a cup of coffee when she was done, playing amazing grace.
Scott Halley says, let's blow this joint, cause he done spotted a place he wanted to check out. We stumble out to where he had parked Snowball, and he pokes me in the Sidecar and we’re off. What happens next, depends on who’s story you listen to. I say the reason that son of a bitch pulled us over is Scott Halley was driving to fast, and he run a stop light. Scott Halley wants to blame it on me, he says the reason that son of a bitch pulled us over, is because I was standing up backwards peeing out of the Sidecar.
Lucky for us, he wasn’t no real cop, he had a gun and a badge, oh yeah he had a dang whistle too. It seems that there had been a storm down there, and the government sent the army to help the real cops maintain law and order. Well when Scott Halley found out this guy was in the army, he tells him that our good friend Tommy was dating a gal in the army, that seemed to help, and the army cop, kinda eased up on us some, he said if we had a pal named Tommy, we couldn’t be all that bad, cause his name was Tommy too. He was gonna let us off with a warning, when I says, what kinda cop would not have a car or a horse or something, he says he was hoping to get a Hummer, Scott Halley says come on go with us, he knew a place where he could get a hummer for two dollars. We was lucky enough, he just took the keys to Snowball and told us to stay out of trouble.
There is a place in New Orleans, they call the Rising Sun( dang someone should use that in a song). Anyway that was the place Scott Halley had spotted earlier, and it was just across the street from where we had been pulled over. So we push Snowball to the curb, and waltz in there like we owned the place.‘There was women everywhere, in all stages of undress, I says Scott Halley, I think we hit the jackpot. About that time the lights go dim, and everybody got real quit, then the band started playing, and this gal comes on the stage, she was wearing a long dark cotton dress, with starched embroidered cuffs and collar. Scott Halley says, tambourine player my ass, Tommy’s new girlfriend is a Hoochie Coochie dancer. We agreed it would be better not to tell him, so we never did, he still don’t know.
Well we hung out there the rest of the night, we met some nice guys from California, Peter, Dennis, and I think the other guys name was Jack, they was wanting to make a movie. They had seen us pull up across the street on Snowball, and now they wanted to make a movie about a couple of guys riding motorcycles and partying in New Orleans, them silly sons of bitches wanted to make a movie about me and Scott Halley, and they wanted us to be in it. We told them we didn’t have time for that, cause we was here on a mission, but they could go ahead and make the movie, so we spent the rest of the night telling about what we had done while there, and answering there questions. They asked if riding a motorcycle was hard, and we said no, if you as drunk enough it was easy riding. Don’t know if them boys ever made the movie or not, but they was nice enough guys.
I-HSTORY OF FRED LOBSTER
On a Sunday morning sidewalk, wishing Lord that I was stoned, dang sorry I was rambling, hang over is such an ugly thing, lucky for me and Scott Halley, we learnt the cure, Dixie Beer.
Sunday passed real slow, we didn’t see Tommy at all Sunday, but Monday morning we all met up to take care of business. We were all three sitting on Marie LaVoe’s door step when she opened up shop. Scott Halley was the better talker so we agreed to let him tell the story of why we needed her help, and settle on a reasonable wage, after a couple of hours haggling over price, she agreed to come back to Fred Lobsters with us and rid us of the evil redheaded son of a bitch. Scott Halley wrote her out a check for $1000.00, I had never seen a check that big before, and I’d never seen Scott Halley spell his name Lou Sanus before either.
We hung around while she packed up her grip, Tommy said he’d meet us back at the train, me and Scott Halley, helped Marie LaVoe carry her satchels over to the rail yard. She packed one with clothes, and the other three were full of herbs, roots, and voo doo looking stuff.
When we met back at the train, I asked Tommy about his new girlfriend, he said he didn’t have no girlfriend, but he would introduce me to his new wife, I said dang. Tommy’s new bride rode in the passenger car with Marie LaVoe, and they had become good friends by the time we made it back to Fred Lobsters. Me and Scott Halley, had a big time on the ride back, Scott Halley would poke me and say watch this shit, and he’d go to strumming a few chords on his guitar, and we would watch Paula’s foot go to tapping, we must have done that a hundred times on the ride
back, and it worked every time, and we laughed every time.
We got back after dark, Monday night, and decided to wait till daylight to bring Marie LaVoe to face off with that evil red headed son of a bitch. Not that we were scared to go up there in the dark, we just wanted Marie LaVoe to get a better look at what she was up against. We was all tired from out long journey, so we called it an early night, just as we was about to doze, someone started calling out Mark, every now and then the son of a bitch would scream Mark, Mark.
That went on for quite a spell, Scott Halley sat up in his bunk, and he hollered I’m trying to sleep, quit calling me, and my name ain’t Mark. Well that didn’t stop the son of a bitch from calling for Mark. Mark, Mark the son of a bitch called again, Scott Halley says to me, go out there and shut that son of a bitch up. So I get my boots on and go out to see who’s calling for Mark, I can’t find no one, then I hear it again< Mark,Mark, I stumble over to where the sound is coming from, and see it ain’t nobody at all, it’s a dang dog. I call for Scott Halley to come see my new talking circus dog, I says this son of a bitch is so smart, he’s calling for his old owner I bet, and I bet his old owners name is Mark. As you can imagine I was plenty proud to have found a talking dog. When Scott Halley comes out to look at my new found friend, he says that ain’t no smart talking circus dog, that’s one of them Hair lipped Chihuahua, dang you can imagine my disappointment.( Some of you will say dang, that’s an old joke, and now you know where it came from)
Daylight come, an Me want to go home, dang sorry, my mind just works that way, anyway daylight comes, and we saddle up the mules with all of Marie Lavoe’s voo doo stufl‘, and head up to the big house. Scott Halley says it will be better if me and him wait in the pine thicket in back of the house, and let Marie Lavoe meet her rival head on alone. I don’t have a problem with that, so that’s what we done. We had to carry all of her stuff up to the side porch, and as quick as set it down, we rang the door bell, and hollered come out here you red headed son of a bitch, then we run for the pine thicket, leaving Marie Lavoe to do her job.
HISTORY OF FRED LOBSTER
Me and Scott Halley got to the pine thicket just as the red headed son of a bitch made it to the door. We got turned around and squatted down(not that we was hiding, you understand, just staying out of the way so as Marie Lavoe could do her job)just in time to see her bust through the door. Then all Hell broke loose, there was Wailing and a flailing, we couldn’t understand anything they was a saying, we thought it might be some Devil talk, then Marie Lavoe dropped all her bags, and took to running straight out for that red headed son of a bitch, and brother she come a humming, that red headed son of a bitch, done the same. When they met in the middle, me and Scott Halley ducked down, cause we knew it was gonna be bad. They met with enough force to knock down any normal people, and then they took to wrestling, and screaming and it looked like they was a crying. The next thing we know, the red headed son of a bitch goes over to where Marie Lavoe had dropped her bags, and helps her carry in her stuff. They wasn’t wrestling at all, they was a hugging. That red headed son of a bitch was calling Marie Lavoe, Mama.
Me and Scott Halley was heart sick, dang we had done gone to New Orleans and brought back Marie Lavoe, our only hope of ridding ourselves of the evil red headed son of a bitch, and come to find out she was Marie Lavoe”s dang daughter. Scott Halley said, she better not try and cash that dang check.
Scott Halley says let's go back to Fred Lobsters and drink a beer or two, and figure this shit out, and I says ok. We jump up on the mules and head back down, when we see buzzards circling over in the south west corner. So we ride over to have a look. When we get close enough to see it’s just a buffalo carcass, all of the hide was gone, and most of the innards, we’re just fixin' to leave the buzzards to their work, when I noticed something moving in the buffalo guts, as I got closer I could hear what sounded like crying coming from the pile of goo, I got out my knife, and started cutting free whatever it was, after a few minutes I pull out what appears to be a baby boy.
I says dang, Scott Halley, this buffalo done eat a baby, and now the baby is trying to eat his way out. Scott Halley says, that buffalo didn’t eat no dang baby, he says what we got here is living proof, that the Injuns Phucked Buffalo.
Well I cleaned him up some and poked in my saddlebags, and we went on back down to Fred lobster. All and all it had been a pretty good day, I didn’t get my house back, but I did have a talking dog, and a new baby, I was gonna name him Mark, so the dog could talk to him, but Scott Halley said that would probably confuse the kid, so I named him Mike.